Ice-Olation

I've been feeling a little down lately... and I remembered this story I wrote when I was younger... I always wanted to re-vamp it... and I felt like I was in the right frame of mind to finally do it.... so here it is...

 

 

            The walls surrounding me are glass. The roof above me and the floor below me are glass. I lead a life encased in a pyramidal glass prison. Below me, below my glass floor, the pyramid continues. There are two rooms; one as clean and pristine as mine, the other covered in blood. The wall separating the rooms is glass, and there isn’t a drop of blood on it, and yet I don’t believe the inhabitants of either room are aware of each others presence, and yet they are a big part of each others existence. You see, they are both a part of me.  Or they were, at any rate. My inner child, that little girl inside me who never grew up, she lives in the clean room. If you can call what she does “living”. She sits in one of the two far corners, knees drawn up to her chin, arms wrapped around her too-thin legs. Her long chestnut hair falls in loose curls around her shaking shoulders as tears fog up her too-thick glasses. Everyday. She sits in her corner and cries. Eyes squeezed shut, forever covering her grey-blue eyes.

I miss her. My inner-child. I miss being able to cheer her up. Keep her safe from the evils that are making her cry. Try to stop her from turning into the other person sharing our prison. My teenaged self. Her blood-drenched walls are a tribute to how much the pain of my childhood dictated my older years. Where my inner-child does nothing but cry, my teenaged self does nothing but scream. She screams while cutting into herself over and over. I’m not sure where she got the razor from. It’s the only foreign object in any of the rooms. Sometimes she cuts patterns into her arms; hearts, diamonds. I’ve seen names written in the flesh on her too-thick legs and once I even watched her slit her own throat. And yet, every time the blood comes near the center wall, it stops short.

My role is nowhere near as dramatic as that of my co-inhabitants. I watch. I sit, above these two individuals that I used to be, and I observe them. I don’t know how we got here. I just, woke up and knew that this was my existence. That these people are me, and that I am being punished. There is no concept of time in this place. Only that when I woke up here, I watched until I passed out from exhaustion, and when I woke again, my inner-child was in a different corner, and my teenage self was alive and well once again. And I watched. I saw my child cry and cry, and never move. And I saw my teenage self cut her hair off with the razor and paint patterns in her own blood with it. She wrote one word over and over; alone. Again and again, over every available surface with twirls and loops where she couldn’t fit a word. When the walls and floor were covered, she turned to her own body as a canvas, only using the blade instead of her hair. Until her blood ran cold and the life left her eyes. I watch them, and I remember. I remember the hours I spent crying in my room as a child because I was different. I remember how many times I held the razor to my wrist as a teenager, hand shaking as I closed my eyes and imagined feeling the blade bite into my skin. All of it, I remember. And I fall to exhaustion again.

Once again, upon waking I find my child in the other corner, and my teenager drawing patterns in her skin. I can no longer remember how many times the cycle has been repeated. Asleep and awake. It’s all beginning to blend into one long nightmare, and I don’t know how much longer I can watch. I can feel my sanity slipping away. I can feel this reality sliding through my tenuous grasp. I can feel the exhausting sneaking up on me again. As I watch my childform sleep, and my teenager die, I lay down, and reach out my hand to the line in the floor that separates them. The thin glass wall. I press my hand, half on either side of the divider, and my last conscious thought is that I don’t know who I would hold first.

A pain in my hand wakes me. I glance over, and see that it’s pressed into the glass floor so far that it’s resting on the dividing wall. A wall so thin that it cuts into my hand. Blood wells up around the glass, before I pull my hand away. I wasn’t fast enough, and a small drop runs down either side of the wall. Just a small drop. My child hiccups once, and looks up, eyes fixed on the drop as it runs its course to the floor. My teenager looks up from her macabre art, eyes fixed on the blood trail as well. The first to move is my teenager. She walks to the blood trail, and begins to follow it with her finger, smearing the pencil thin path. My child stands, and walks over to the walls, pressing her small hand to the wall, covering as much as she can of her older counterparts hand. Looking into each others eyes, they press their hands together. Small cracks begin to form from their joined hands. The cracks spider out, until the entire wall gives under the force of their hands and falls around them. Everything stands still. We don’t even breathe. And then the spell is broken, and they collapse into each others arms. My teenager cradling my child, stroking her hair and kissing the top of her head and my child clutches at the first human contact she can remember. Above, I smile for the first time since waking up here. Even if I am still alone in my glass cage, knowing that they are together takes a weight off my heart I never knew was there. And as I gaze down at them from the hole in the floor my hand created, they look up and me, and smile back.

Sorry about the wait between updates.... I have Facebook now, so I've been spending most of my time updating that.... but yeah... that'snot fair, because a lot of you don't have Facebook, so I'm back ^^

 

Anyway.... These past few weeks have been alright.... I'm still terribly home sick... but with classes picking up it's getting better... that and I can talk to everyone almost everyday on MSN, so yeah....

 

My classes are as follows, for this of you who don't know...

 

Microbiology
Chemistry - Structure, Bonding, and Spectroscopy 

Cell Biology
Calculus 2

 

I did have Intro to Computers, but I'm challenging the course because it's wayyyy to easy... I mean.... come on.... give us a little credit.... but yeah... I have to talk to the head of the computer science faculty, and he's going to set up a test for me.... if I pass, I get the credits!! So most of my time is being spent reading my textbook so I know all the really technical stuff for the test.

 

But yeah... other than that... my classes seem like they're going to be a lot easier than they look... Micro and Cell Bio are basically the same thing... one just branches off into protein synthesis (yay!) later, where the other doesn't... and Cell Bio is more about all the cells and how they work, where Micro is about the different organisms.... it's pretty cool...

 

Chem is the only class that's going to be a challenge... and even it is going really well..... so yeah.... Good semester ^^

 

I'm also getting a job, since I only have 4 classes.... I have my second interview at the North Shore Canadian Tire tomorrow.... I figured going to something I know would be a lot easier than having to learn a new job.... the only thing is that I need a lot of time off.... what with the going home and the exams and everything... and I refuse to start at anything less than 9$ an hour..... I've been working at Canadian Tire for 2+ years now.... I'm not starting at minimum wage just cause I'm at a new store....

 

Well... that's all that's going on right now....

 

I promise to update more ^^

 

*hugs and mush*

Missa

And I want to come home already..... 

 

I miss Dillon. I miss Jonas. I miss Ryan....  I miss my Mom and my bed and my terrible terrible weather that I'm so used to.....

 

I know it's only going to be like.... a month and a half until I see Dill again... and like.... 4 months until I can come home.... But that's still.... 6 weeks... and 4 months.... and I don't know if I can do it without going insane... Insanity sounds like a really good idea... might make the time go faster....

 

Anyway.... Going to the school tomorrow to pay my tuition and get my books and stuff.... should be fun....

 

*hugs and loves*

 

If anyone can come up with a time machine I would be greatly appreciative....... I mean..... Even just something to speed up time..... that would be cool....

 

Love,

Missa 

Sad... Lonely.... and confused....

 

That's about how I feel right now..... In 19 days, I'm going back to Kamloops.... and I don't know when I'll be home again.... I mean.... I love it in Kamloops, and my friends up there are awesome.... but... Dillon is here.... and Jonas, and Branden, and Ryan..... and they say they're going to come visit me... and I know they mean it.... but it's a really expensive trip, and I don't want them wasting money on me..... but at the same time that means I won't see them until Christmas.... and mom and dad say I might not even be able to come home for Christmas.... Which... honestly... I don't care what they say, I'm coming home during Christmas break.... Jonas would never forgive me if I didn't... and neither would Dillon....

 

Which brings me back to Dill.... I love him.... so much.... but am I doing the right thing? I mean.... how fair is this to Dill? and how fair is it to me.... I've been through the whole long distance thing last year.... and it took a lot out of me...  And it's going to be hard on Dill too.... what with this being his first relationship, and we've only been dating for 4 months.... though sometimes it does seem like a lot longer.... Which is weird.... We've fallen into each other so quickly.... Are we going to be able to last for months at a time without seeing eachother....

 

Well... I think I've depressed myself enough for one day...

 

*hugs and kisses to all*

 

Missa

 And I never update... Go figure eh?

 

Anyway.... just touching base and letting everyone know I'm still alive!!

 

Going camping next weekend... I'm so stoked for that... It's going to be awesome... what with the hanging out with my friends for a week straight... no interruptions.... no stupid curfew... no nothing.... just me and my boys ^^ *happy dance*

 

Although not all is well in Missa land.... I'm overworkig myself with the 2 departments and am constantly tired and grumpy.... it really sucks actually, because I'm starting to lash out..... Especially if I get bored....  I don't really mean anything by it... it's just little things that would only slightly annoying me before are like.... "OMG why are you doing that?" now.....

 

So if I snap at you... anyone.... know it's because I'm tired.... otherwise I would just let it slide.....

  

Missa ^^

 

 

Revision: Worst.... Day..... Ever.....

 

I'm just glad Jonas and Dillon were around to help me make it through what I was dragged through....